Happiness = Despair???

It's moments like these where I realize why I'm afraid of being happy.

Today, I had one of the best moments in my life. I finally got a really good part in our school's fall play. A great part in fact! Plus, my favorite show was FINALLY coming back on, hopefully with a great premiere. I was so excited, I was feeling on top of the world. Then, my mom started not feeling well. I thought it was just hot flashes. She gets those frequently, so I kinda didn't think about it. But then she starts feeling worse. Now when my mom is uncomfortable or feeling pain, she tends to get angry with ME at ANYTHING. I mean anything. For example, I had forgotten to put the water in the fridge last night, so there weren't any cold ones today. Boy, was she upset. Now, while I get chewed out all the time by my mom, lately, it's been more and more, and I'm not enjoying it. In fact, the past few nights, I've been crying myself to sleep or counting myself to sleep to keep my mind off the life I live. It's my way of dealing with my depression, instead of doing other things.

Now, my mom is getting worse, flailing around screaming in pain, so we call a nurse. The nurse says to go to the hospital, but now my mom doesn't want to go. She throws at fit! Yelling "I don't want to go!!" Acting like a child. We finally get in the car and she's still saying "I don't want to go!!" over and over again. By then I've almost lost it, I tell her to shut up. She yells, "You shut up!" Then says to my stepdad, "She's been saying hatefull things to me all the time!" So i get out of the car, and run for the door. I yel back, "I'm staying here then!"

I get inside, close the door, and break down. Literally. I fall to the floor and sob. I sobbed like I only have a few times in my life. If any of you know me, you know that I'm not really big on crying. Only recently I've been letting myself cry for the small things. But this is big. My life is falling apart before me and the sadness inside me is screaming to be pulled out. I can't do anything but cry to try to get it out.

It seems that whenever ANYTHING good happens or when I'm feeling amazing and just having a great day, shit happens to me. But not just little shit, like we're out of milk and I can't have mac & cheese. No the HUGE crap that knocks you off your feet picks you back up just to knock you back down again. Hell, maybe even a third time. This is why I sometimes don't allow myself to do things that would make ME happy bc I know what happens right after.

I usually don't write stuff like this, and I'm sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable. I just really needed to vent and write this out bc I have to deal with these feelings I have in a productive way.